SBG 99: Aquamarine with Mermaid Kristin Sparkle
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“We make things gay every 2 weeks and somehow it’s gayer than ever.”
This week, Leigh (@lshfoster) and Ellie (@elliebrigida) hang out with Mermaid Kristin Sparkle a.k.a. Lez Hang Out’s production assistant, Kristin Murison (@therealksparkle), to talk about why the 2006 film Aquamarine Should’ve Been Gay.
If you haven’t seen the movie, the plot is basically this: Two baby gays, played by Emma Roberts and JoJo (neither of whom could ever read as straight if they tried), find a mermaid in their swimming pool after doing witchcraft at a sleepover (#justgirlythings) and then proceed to throuple up with her and save the world through the powers of friendship and lesbianism. We can’t really blame them for falling for her, because within like 5 minutes of meeting, the mermaid Aquamarine is encouraging the girls to touch her tail and being incredibly flirtatious with them. It turns out Aqua swam away to escape an arranged heterosexual marriage to a man she doesn’t love. Her dad doesn’t believe love exists, because he has never seen it. The entire premise of that is extremely queer, because it’s very possible that the reason mermaids have not found love yet is because they are only looking into heterosexual pairings. The implication here is that all mermaids are queer, which honestly, is so valid of them.
Somehow things get even gayer as the movie progresses. Aqua’s whole mission is to get someone to fall in love with her and prove to her dad that love exists. Who is known to fall in love that quickly? Lesbians. Of course the man she chooses, ie. the first man she laid eyes on, does not love her yet, it’s been like a day. But you know who does already love her? The little baby lesbians. In the end, the girls risk their lives to save Aqua and realize that they love her the same way that they love each other. When they tell her, she realizes she loves them too and one of her happy tears falls into the ocean causing her dad to immediately cease his rage storm. Her dad now knows love really does exist. But, canonically, he only knows gay love exists. He has zero proof that heterosexual love is a real thing. Aquamarine goes back to her pod to spread the gay agenda like an aquatic lesbian Jesus and we can only assume that all the previously loveless mermaids are now happily pairing off into queer partnerships, throuples, and polycules.
We know one thing for sure, Aquamarine Should’ve Been Gay. Follow along on Twitter: Lez Hang Out (@lezhangoutpod) and answer our Q & Gay at the end of every episode. Leigh Holmes Foster (@lshfoster) and Ellie Brigida (@elliebrigida). You can also join us on Facebook.com/lezhangoutpod and follow along on Instagram (@lezhangoutpod).
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