409: Happiest Season with Youstina Anis

Leigh (@lshfoster) and Ellie (@elliebrigida) dive into Happiest Season with special guest Youstina Anis (@moonstiina) for this Lez-ssentials episode, a recurring segment on the essential movies and TV shows in the lesbian canon. We chat about Aubrey Plaza in blazers and pant suits, the endless trauma of this "romantic comedy" and Justice for Jane. Youstina joined us for our conversation because she had a lot of feelings about the movie as someone who isn't out to her family and has been honest with her girlfriend about what comes along with that. (COUGH COUGH Harper). We also discuss how Abby should have ended up with Riley and left her toxic relationship. Lez-ssentials comes complete with a Happiest Season drinking game because every lesbian movie or tv show should be accompanied by heavy drinking ESPECIALLY THIS ONE. This episode also comes with an original Christmas song that is loosely based off Happiest Season entitled "Only Present I Need" because we all deserve a cute queer Christmas duet.

Follow along on Twitter: Lez Hang Out (@lezhangoutpod) and answer our Q & Gay at the end of every episode. Leigh Holmes Foster (@lshfoster) and Ellie Brigida (@elliebrigida).

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Youstina’s Essay on Happiest Season

It took me a long time to come to terms with who I am. I grew up in the Middle East, moving to California when I was just 8 years old. My parents are extremely conservative & traditional, and while I eventually adapted to being in a seemingly open-minded country, they did not.

Which is why it took me 20 years to realize I was queer, and then 4 more years after that to come to terms with being a lesbian.

Coming out is hard, but it’s even harder when you know you don’t have the support around you that would at best minimize the consequences of being out. My mother once told me to my face that if she had any gay children, she would immediately kick them out of the house and never speak to them again. I was just coming to terms with being gay when she said that to me.

People always talk about how there’s no more need for coming out movies - but everyone’s stories are different. People are still struggling with the process, and it’s always nice to see yourself on screen.

That’s why I was so excited for the premise of Happiest Season. I chose to overlook that the two main characters are both white, and despite the lack of representation, I gave the movie a chance. I was excited and hopeful.

And I was disappointed.

Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for the chance of having any sapphic representation revolving around Christmas. I am so thankful that this movie was made - I just think it could’ve been better. 

I went into this movie thinking I would see myself in Harper. My parents also think my girlfriend is my straight roommate - to tell them she’s gay would put me in an unbelievably uncomfortable position - they would not want me living with a gay woman, or that would mean I’m also gay. 

However, this has been something I have made my girlfriend aware of since the very beginning. “Hey, this is my life, this is the way it has to be so I can stay safe. If you can’t handle that, that’s fine, we can just part ways.” It was my honest truth - and I never would’ve dreamt of keeping that from her or blindsiding her with this months - or even years - into the relationship. My girlfriend knows I would never put her in an unsafe position, or a position where she feels like she’s trapped.

And that’s exactly what Harper did to Abby in Happiest Season. She was dishonest with her about her status with her parents, invited her to spend 5 days with them, and didn’t tell her they didn’t know until it was too late - they were already almost there. She did not give Abby a choice to stay behind. Instead, she made the selfish decision to bring her anyway, even if Abby was uncomfortable with it. 

Abby also isn’t blameless here - she failed to immediately understand Harper’s point of view -  that your partner isn’t ashamed of you, or trying to hide you. Everyone’s journey IS different, like John explains, and just because Abby’s parents were accepting doesn’t mean that’s going to be everyone’s experience. I would kill to be able to tell my parents i’m gay and have them welcome me with open arms. But that’s just not the case for me and for so many people like me.

It was hard to watch. I cried. A lot. And I felt completely moved and seen by John’s speech to Abby. I also cried when Harper told Abby she is not hiding her - she’s hiding herself. I know how that feels.

I would still never, ever put my girlfriend in the position Harper put Abby in. I wouldn’t have left my girlfriend all alone in a city she doesn’t know to hang out with my dumb friends and ex boyfriend until 2 in the morning - and then claim that my girlfriend is suffocating me when she checks up on me the next day. 

I would’ve stood up for my girlfriend the second someone accused her of stealing - or being a criminal - and I would never have allowed anyone to speak to her the way Harper’s family spoke to Abby.

But most importantly, I would never have outed someone if I had been put on the spot. A person of color, at that. And only apologized 10+ years later after being outed myself. They were teenagers, and teenagers do stupid things, but this was the part that hurt me to watch the most. 

Because Riley couldn’t come out on her own terms. Because Riley was now forced out of the closet into a very unsafe spotlight that would stay with her for the rest of her life. Because Riley, despite being violently outed, didn’t out Harper in return, no matter how traumatic and unsafe she might have felt at the time. 

Riley Johnson was the best damn character in the entire movie, and she deserved way more than what she got. 

She was a safe space for Abby when Abby had to deal with being thrown in an unsafe and uncomfortable environment. She was the only one who seemed to care about Abby, giving her the only care free and fun time she had in this entire movie. She was the only one who was there for Abby.

And it was horribly painful to watch Riley tell Abby that Harper outed her in high school by telling everyone that the love note Riley had given Harper was because Riley was “obsessed” with her and “wouldn’t leave her alone.” It was painful not just because you could feel the trauma that it had caused Riley, but because Abby wasn’t immediately furious that Harper had done that to someone and then kept it from Abby this whole time. It was also painful because Abby didn’t immediately kiss Riley right then and there - which is what I wanted to have happened so badly, despite my strong dislike for any cheating storylines.

The movie had a happy ending, which we all could’ve seen coming, despite the fact that Harper’s sister outed her in front of her entire family. That was one of the hardest scenes to watch. Despite what she had done to Riley, and the way she treated Abby, she did not deserve to be outed. No one ever deserves to be outed. And it really bothered me that Abby did not stand up for her in that moment and instead told her it was “too late” once she admitted to being gay and in love with Abby.

Harper’s entire family made a complete 180 and became overnight allies - which is something most lgbtq+ people can only dream of. It was cute and it was heartwarming. 

Is it weird that I didn’t like it? 

I guess it just didn’t really resonate with me - because unfortunately it’s not the reality for a lot of people. That’s why this community values chosen family so much. Sometimes, that’s all we get to have. 

But I understand wanting the sapphics to have a happy ending, and if it wasn’t for the way Harper acted at times, I would’ve actually really liked this movie. I know people do stupid things when they are stuck in that position, and I shouldn’t be judging, but maybe it’s because I am in that position (but worse!!!) and I would never dream of hurting the people I love in such a cruel way just to protect myself.

I once had a girlfriend tell me she didn’t want to be with me because she didn’t want to be shoved back in the closet. It really hurt to hear, because I am not in the closet. I am very much out to every single person in my life, with the exception of my parents. But even that was too much for her, and I understand why. It’s not for everyone. 

The point is, that conversation happened immediately. I didn’t hide it from her for months and months. Honesty and communication were Abby and Harper’s biggest obstacles in this movie.

However, I don’t believe that Harper is actually toxic. I don’t like some of her actions - but on some level I understand the crippling fear and the inability to act rationally because of it. I just hope that anyone who watched the movie knows that not everyone who is coming out is going to behave that way - and not everyone is going to have an easy time coming out. Harper isn’t a villain, she’s a complex character who made mistakes out of fear. I don’t hate her, but I am unhappy with the way she handled certain things throughout the movie. She just needs a little bit of therapy to work through her childhood trauma. 

And, let’s face it, Abby and Riley getting together would’ve been the best ending to this movie.

But I’m still happy we got a sapphic romcom - despite the immediate lack of people of color - and I am hopeful that the representation will only get better from here.